*This post will contain my personal feelings during clinical in nursing school. I will not be naming the location of my clinical or my patients names to protect not only them but myself. Please note that these are my personal thoughts and feelings and are to be read as such. This blog is a place for me to write about things I feel like sharing and also a place for me to better understand the world around me through positive and negative experiences*
This month I start clinical experience at a nursing home in my area. I will not name where I go to clinical for privacy reasons not only for my patients but also for myself. We started going to clinical last week and this has been a huge adjustment for my heart but me as a person overall. I didn’t go into this thinking this would be all sunshine and rainbows nor was I prepared for the overwhelming feelings I would have walking those halls. If you know me, even just a little, you would know that my heart is huge and I would do anything for anyone that needed something. I care with my whole being in my personal life and that bleeds over to the kind of nurse I am as well. But I had no idea how this experience would affect me.
Leaving clinical night I leave with a very heavy heart. I leave full of grief, sadness, rage, and heartbreak. I was not fully prepared for the way I would feel tonight. Tonight I saw patients in extreme pain, I saw CNAs and RNs overworked, I saw many people who lacked empathy or compassion towards patients. I was frustrated by the way the patients were treated and I was frustrated by the fact that no matter what I did I couldn’t solve that problem. I climbed into my car tonight and started to cry as I was overcome with emotion and drove home to recall my feelings in our clinical journal and tried to let my feelings out of on the pages I would later turn into my teacher to read. I don’t think I could ever accurately explain how exactly I was feeling but I tried my best to paint a picture of the roadmap of my emotions for others to read. I know this will be the first of many nights like this.
Though my heart is broken for my patients at my facility and for the many patients in similar situations around the world I can’t imagine not becoming a nurse. I without a doubt believe that this was the best change in my education by switching my major to nursing. This is not an easy path to take, this isn’t ever going to be easy. My nights are filled with long school hours (8-9 hours a night), even longer nights of homework, and my heart has never felt such emotions. This will never be easy but I want this more than anything. I want to help my future patients and their families. I want to make a change no matter how small that change might be. I want to be the nurse that my patients remember even after they are feeling well again. I want my patients to feel safe and cared for while in my care. I want to make a difference. Even after the way I feel night I want to continue to better myself to better the lives of other.
I know that I am not alone in this. I know I am not alone in feeling the feelings I feel right now. I know that other feel this or that they will feel this at some point in their nursing journey. I hope though that these feelings that too shall pass will not keep others from becoming a nurse. I know that even through these feelings this is not stopping me. I know that this will be the first of many nights like this.
This is a place for others to come and express their own thoughts about nursing or medical related experiences. I have a contact page that allows people a chance to email me. If you have a similar experience or want a place to vent or share a story consider this the right place. I will not post your stories or share them with others. I just know that I am not alone in feeling this so if you feel comfortable doing so reach out!